Cai Graham is a parent and life coach who has a special interest in the mental health and well-being of our younger generation – and their parents. Author of The Teen Toolbox, plus a free app for teenagers, and founder of ‘Peak Parenting’, she is one of the experts sharing her experience as part of Action Mental Health’s special focus on Children’s Mental Health Week.

Cai, who lives in County Down, has been supporting local parents and their teenagers for a number of years and has developed free apps to help young people seek help – privately on their phones, when they need it most.

With a background as a therapist, Cai explains her motivation for turning her attention to parenting: “From observing families I noticed a modern-day epidemic of parents enduring their kids instead of enjoying their kids and feeling overwhelmed navigating the trials of modern parenthood.

“I felt inspired to support parents and children to reach a new level of love, understanding and unity within the home. My ultimate mission is to empower parents and teenagers with the tools and techniques they need to cope with the challenges of modern day life. Once we have skills to communicate effectively and find confidence we can live full, happy and healthy lives.”

Cai has experience in promoting positive ways to deal with anxiety and panic attacks, bullying and helping parents support their children through self-harm.

Her app, found free at www.caigraham.com/app

It is full of helpful and insightful podcasts for parents and teenagers alike, on issues such as Building Your Child’s Self-Confidence and Self Care Strengthens Your Resilience and also a Timeline Therapy for Teenagers: Removing Emotional Baggage

There are tips on How to Cope with Bereavement, Understanding Self-Harm, Discipline and Your Teenager and Hope to Cope with Cyber Bullying and even advice on How to Talk to your Child About Terrorism.

Calming It Down 5-4-3-2-1

Navigating the teenage years can be difficult for even the most grounded person. But at times everyone can feel overwhelmed by anything from difficulties with friendships to being plagued by anxiety and panic attacks.

Based on NLP (neuro linguistic programming – the way we communicate with ourselves) Pattern Interrupt, Cai takes app users through a quick and easy process of calming the mind down when it’s in chaos.

In just two or three minutes, whether you’re sitting in your bedroom or are on the bus on the way to school, it helps put the brakes on feelings of anger, anxiety, or if you feel like a panic attack is approaching, with all the accompanying physical symptoms like a racing heart and a tummy full of butterflies.

Called the 5-4-3-2-1 method, Cai gets people to count on their hand, starting with five, and directs them to think of five things you can see in your surrounding area, wherever you may be; then four things that you can touch; three things you can hear; two things you can smell; and finally one thing you can taste. Cai describes it as a way of diverting your mind to halt its path to a panic attack or a pattern of worry or anger and helps to retrain the brain away of the troubling and chaotic thoughts.

There are a range of regularly updated videos on the app and are quick and easy to use wherever you may be and at whatever time of the day or night you might need the support.

Find out more at www.caigraham.com and get her FREE download at  www.caigraham.com/app

 

 

Danske Bank raises £130,000 for children’s mental health promotion

Action Mental Health depends a great deal on corporate support to help fund our many and varied services delivered to all age groups right across Northern Ireland. And this week, during Children’s Mental Health Week, we are delighted to hear the announcement by one of our corporate partners, Danske Bank, that they have raised £130,000 for our Healthy Me programme over the past two years.

The money was raised by Danske Bank’s employees and customers since 2017 when it began to actively support Healthy Me, which aims to positively promote mental health and social and emotional well-being in 8-11 year olds.

To date, the £130,000 has helped bring Healthy Me to 1,928 children and 374 adults in 2018 and will reach a further 1,375 children and 195 teachers and parents this year.

Aisling Press, Head of Branch Banking at Danske Bank said: “We believe that as the largest bank in Northern Ireland we have a responsibility to contribute to the local communities we serve and play our part in addressing issues that affect wider society.

“In Northern Ireland one in five adults are affected by mental ill-health at some stage in their lives. But it is not just something that concerns adults, children are affected by mental health issues too. Research shows that 50% of all adult mental health problems are developed by the age of 14. Through our support of Action Mental Health’s Healthy Me, we want to improve the outlook for our future generation.”

Action Mental Health’s Chief Executive, David Babington added: “Just last month, the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health Ireland reported that children and young people’s mental health in Northern Ireland remains at crisis point. While this is extremely worrying, it reinforces the need for early intervention and educational programmes like Healthy Me.

“The theme for Children’s Mental Health Week 2019 is ‘Healthy: Inside and Out’ something that is reflected in our programmes for children and young people. We focus on promoting mental well-being alongside physical well-being, encouraging participants to engage in the five ways to well-being, to help support the development of coping skills and emotional resilience.

“We rely on Danske Bank’s support to enable us to deliver Healthy Me sessions across Northern Ireland and would like to thank them for their generosity.”

Vicky Logan, a P6 teacher at Oakfield Primary School in Carrickfergus which recently benefitted from Healthy Me, said: “We found the session with Action Mental Health incredibly valuable. Mental health issues can affect the youngest to the oldest in society but as adults we have better tools to cope with it. Healthy Me will have taught the pupils some important skills that they will be able to carry with them throughout their lives.”

The partnership between Danske Bank and Action Mental Health is set to continue in 2019 and includes volunteering, education initiatives for the charity’s clients and wellbeing support for Danske employees.

With the rising incidence of mental ill-health regularly dominating our headlines there’s rarely been a greater need to talk.

And as we mark #Time to Talk Day, Action Mental Health is delighted everyone’s attention is being drawn to the importance of smashing the stigma of mental ill-health.

Talking therapy has long been key to many people’s recovery from periods of mental health difficulties and is one of the Five Ways to Well-Being – ‘Connect’.

It is also one of the areas covered by Northern Ireland consultant psychiatrist Dr Phil Anderson who, during Children’s Mental Health Week this week, (February 4  to 10) has focused on this area in a series of articles written especially for Action Mental Health.

Connection

Relationships are the most important way through which children can develop resilience to cope with the stress that life can throw our way. Creating quality time for connection with your children is the most important investment you can make in their future.   However, this can be a real challenge, with the ever increasing work demands and the increasing financial burdens placed on families today.

However, children’s ability to regulate their emotions is not something that neither happens in a vacuum nor mysteriously appears in a crisis. It happens through the connection of a nurturing relationship with an ‘attuned’ parent. Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. A parent who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviours based on their child’s emotional state. We can only learn to become attuned by getting to know our children’s particular ways of being and communication. This can only be achieved by giving our children our attention and validating their contribution to solving whatever the problem may be. By giving children a safe ‘connection space’ to talk about their feelings and in turn give reassurance about whatever is causing them distress – we can help ‘co-regulate’ their emotions – which in time they develop the internal tools to regulate themselves. Dr Daniel Siegel, Professor of Child Psychiatry at UCLA, states in his book, ‘No-Drama Discipline’, that ‘for a child…it’s extremely powerful to hear someone say, ‘I get you… I understand. I see why you feel this way.’  This kind of empathy disarms us.

A key part of building connection is through the sense of ‘touch’; the reassurance from a parents hug can help a distressed child to regulate distress.  Human physical contact releases the ‘good-feeling’ hormones such as serotonin that can help us to feel calmer.  Neuroscience has shown that in, particularly early childhood, physical contact from our parents or carers, is essential for healthy brain development and emotional health.  Professor Francis McGlone, a leading researcher on the biology of touch, has said ‘touch is not a sentimental human indulgence, it’s a biological necessity.’ However, western cultural trends have resulted in some parents and carers feeling increasingly hesitant about physical contact and children may be experiencing less physical contact than ever before.  Dr Rangan Chatterjee, GP and author of the recently published ‘Stress Solution’ book, recommends that parents regularly hug their children and encourages the use of play fighting with older children.

Modern life, particularly with the rise of social media and video gaming, can cause so many distractions that can get in the way of parents spending quality time with their children. Rather than simply outright banning these modern distractions, they can perhaps be used as opportunity to meet the young person in their environment and let conversation flow, for example, playing video games together. The potential day-to day opportunities for this are endless and can include; grocery shopping, making dinner and walking the dogs. Whatever way it works to bring this ‘connection space’ in your family, the key message is it feels safe, regular and reliable to the young person.

Connection is a conduit for compassion. Young people often model the ways their parents or carers connect with others. To this end, showing compassion in connection and helping others has been shown by research to strongly promote resilience and emotional health. Dr James R. Doty, Clinical Professor of the Department of Neurosurgery at Stanford, says that being compassionate is our default mode and this is impaired by the chronic stress of modern life.  He says ‘when someone acts with compassionate intention it has a huge, huge positive effect on their physiology’ releasing calming body hormones.  Demonstrating compassion and volunteering to help others, can allow your child to model these behaviours and build resilience throughout their life.

Action Mental Health has teamed up with local experts like consultant psychiatrist, Dr Phil Anderson who today – during Children’s Mental Health Week – shares his expertise on Parental Self Care.

Parental Self-Care

Investing in your own resilience and emotional health can be easily forgotten in the busyness of modern family life. However, a parent or carer’s ability to develop resilience in their children is strongly connected to their own emotional resilience.  Keeping emotionally regulated in the moment, whilst an infant is having a temper tantrum or a young teenager has an emotional outburst over house rule setting, can be one of the biggest challenges in parenthood.

Dr Daniel Siegel, commented in his book, ‘The Yes Brain’ that ‘A parent’s resilience serves as a template for a child to see how to deal with challenges, how to understand their own emotions.” Part of the difficulty, can be a cultural assumption that family life can be free from arguments, tantrums and expressed emotions.

When actually infant temper tantrums and teenagers emotional outbursts over house rule setting, are not always pleasant but nonetheless normal and healthy appropriate parts of growing up.  Helping young people navigate and regulate through these emotional outbursts are key part of developing their resilience.

Dr. Siegel states that parents who don’t run from these unpleasant emotional outbursts have a greater capacity to absorb challenging interactions with their children. He advises parents not to worry if this kind of resilience doesn’t come naturally, he says ‘with practice, it gets easier’.

In the tricky moment with a distressed young person, it can be helpful to pause, take a deep breath, and ‘count to ten’. It is not always possible but it can be helpful to take this moment to regulate your feelings before trying to help your child regulate their distress.

The first 3 steps for promoting resilience in your child equally apply to you. Investment in connection, understanding stress and a healthy lifestyle will help develop your own resilience which in turn can pay dividends in helping you develop resilience in your child.

Dr Siegel in his book, ‘Whole Brain Child’ states, ‘as parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. That means integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your children.’

Thanks so much to Dr Phil Anderson for all your insightful articles this week!

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Our AMH MensSana team support all ages in the area of mental health and emotional well-being through a range of activities tailored to suit group needs. To find out more click here.

 

 

 

Action Mental Health has teamed up with local experts like Dr Phil Anderson who today – during Children’s Mental Health Week – shares his expertise on creating and maintain Healthy Habits among young people.

Healthy Habits

Regular daily investment in our bodies and minds is often overlooked but yet so important in promoting resilience and good mental health.  The promotion of ‘healthy habits’ in childhood can set positive lifestyle foundations and deliver the best results across a lifespan. These healthy habits are often known for their physical health benefits but research has shown their significant benefits for our mental health too.  This makes perfect sense in context of how science has shown how deeply and intimately connected our bodies and minds are. This is much so that we should probably talk about promoting good health rather than artificially dividing it into physical and mental health.

The three main healthy habits I want to focus on are food, exercise and sleep.

‘Food’ – good nutrition and hydration is probably the least recognised part of healthy lifestyle in promoting resilience and good mental health.  However, research is increasingly pointing to the role of good nutrition in brain and emotional health.  Our digestive system is intimately interconnected to our brain through what is called the ‘vagus nerve’.  A balanced plant based diet with plenty of fibre changes the type of bacteria in our digestive system, which helps send calming signals through the vagus nerve to the brain. These signals then help develop our resilience and emotional health.  In comparison, unhealthy diets with lots of processed food and sugar can send stress signals to the brain.

It can be such a struggle ‘negotiating’ healthy eating with children. Lessons that have worked with families have been;

• Involving children as early as possible in planning and making meals
• Making meals as colourful as possible, with various kinds of vegetables
• Using cooking as ‘connection space’ – an opportunity to spend quality time with them and check in with how they are feeling
• Don’t underestimate the importance of ‘fun’ in meal making – music and the [occasional] deserts etc.

‘Exercise’ – the physical health benefits of regular exercise are well understood but its impact on our mental health can be profound too.  Physical activity helps release the ‘feel-good’ hormones known as ‘endorphins’ that make us feel instantly better after a run.  Physical activity also releases the stress hormones, which we experience when we feel stressed. Regular physical exercise develops our bodies’ ability to manage the stress response better, promoting resilience. This can also be a struggle with some children, particularly when they are hitting early adolescence.  The key thing is making it fun and something they enjoy.  It also can also be another opportunity for ‘connection space’.

‘Sleep’ – don’t underestimate the importance of good quality sleep in promoting a child’s resilience and emotional health. Sleep is best understood as the time the brain uses to filter out the toxins it has accumulated during the day. Lack of sleep can make everyday life challenges feel so much more stressful. It can negatively impact a child’s concentration, memory and their ability to regulate their impulses and emotions.  This can be a real challenge with some children and can impact the whole family if their sleep is disturbed.  Often keeping a sleep diary for a child can help identify what the problem is.  The other ‘healthy habits’ – food and exercise can have a big impact on sleep. A balanced diet and regular exercise can help promote good quality sleep.  Particularly with younger children, encouraging a bed-time routine, including a fixed bed time with a set ‘wind-down’ period with a warm milky drink can help.  One of the biggest challenges can be limiting screen time with hand-held devices. The stimulation these devices cause can impact sleep and it can really help by regularly and consistently limiting use during the wind-down period.

Dr Phil Anderson is back again tomorrow to talk about Parental Self-care.

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Our AMH MensSana team support all ages in the area of mental health and emotional well-being through a range of activities tailored to suit group needs. To find out more click here.

Children are wading through myriad exam pressures at the moment. For our youngest, many are contemplating which school their AQE and GL scores will take them after their transfer tests last autumn – and have until May 31 to wait it out, when those questions will finally be answered.

For our older children, many are selecting their GCSE subjects they’ll be examined in, while many others are going through A-level mock exams.

In light of all these pressures our young people are facing Action Mental Health is offering parents advice on how best to help them cope with exam-related stress.

There can be a lot of pressure on children to do well in exams and this can often leave them feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.  Sometimes the demands to do well at school can be brought on by themselves or prompted by people around them.  Feeling anxious at such times is understandable, but for some young people the pressure can become too much to bear.

When we feel stressed, scared or nervous our body responds by releasing stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.  These hormones cause increases in heart rate, muscle tightening, blood pressure and a quickening of breath. These physical changes increase stamina and make you more alert, preparing you to either fight or flee from the situation you face.

Experiencing these physical changes before and during an exam is normal and sometimes they can actually make us feel motivated to achieve, more alert, confident and enthusiastic. Stress, however, becomes a problem with it begins to make us feel tense, nervous, anxious, aggressive and panic-stricken.  If severe or prolonged, stress can impair concentration and performance.

Symptoms of excessive stress include:

• Headaches, dizziness and stomach upset
• Preoccupation with thoughts of exams and inability to relax
• Withdrawal from friends, family and hobbies
• Constant tiredness due to problems sleeping
• Loss of appetite of over-eating
• Seeing only the negative side of things
• Becoming more aggressive and short tempered with those around you
• Feeling so low and desperate that children don’t want to go to school, feel like running away or self-harming

If you think your child is feeling these symptoms it’s important to encourage them to seek support as soon as possible – from you as a parent or another trusted family member, friend or teacher at school. It doesn’t matter who, it’s just important they speak to someone.

You can also help your child to minimise exam stress in the following ways:

• Develop a realistic revision timetable, by making a list of the subjects/topics they need to focus on. Feeling prepared and organised can reduce stress;
• During exam time it is important to manage time properly.  Try to help your child maintain a healthy balance between practice papers and other activities they enjoy – taking time out will help them to relax and can take their mind off revision. Long periods of continuous study can overload young brains, making it difficult to concentrate and be productive. Remember to build regular breaks into revision schedules and be mindful that the average attention span lasts around 40 minutes;
• Engaging in some form of physical activity during the break is a good way to reduce anxiety levels and help them relax. Even something simple like walking up and down the stairs can be enough to move the body and refocus on a different subject;
• Remember everyone revises differently. Some children might sail through practice papers easily following a short break after school – even ten minutes doing something relaxing first, is beneficial. For some however, waiting until after dinner before commencing revision, would be preferable. Compare how efficient they are at different times of the day and use different study methods, from practice papers to spelling drills out in the garden or even maths quizzes at bathtime;
• Ask for help from their teacher if there are things you don’t understand.
• Always offer encouragement and support – try not to criticise or place added pressure on them;
• Praising and encouraging their efforts and achievements can be motivating and demonstrates your support for them;
• Try to keep things in perspective and encourage them to do the same – remember that exam results are not the only indicator of a young person’s capabilities.

We’ve also enlisted the help of consultant psychiatrist, Dr Phil Anderson, who, as part of Children’s Mental Health Week, has provided helpful information on this topic. See here for more https://www.amh.org.uk/news/understanding-stress-dr-phil-anderson/ or read on.

Understanding Stress

In any part of life, the key to managing a problem is truly understanding what the nature of the problem is in the first place. This is no different to young people facing the problem of stress. Stress is widely understood as ‘bad’ and ‘something to be avoided’.  There can often be a misunderstanding that day-to-day stress causes similar harm to the toxic stress I previously discussed. (See link above).  The stress response is our bodies’ way of helping us perform at our best and keep us safe from harm.  Stretching ourselves beyond comfortable limits, whether playing sport or sitting an exam, will not always feel nice, but our development as a person and our abilities cannot happen any other way.  Avoiding stress does not really work and in the end is not really possible.

Similar to how a vaccine helps our immune systems to prevent us becoming ill from harmful pathogens, stress is known to have an inoculating effect. Research shows that young persons who manage to overcome life’s challenges will develop higher levels of resilience.

We need to properly understand the benefits of day-to-day stress ourselves and be careful about how we communicate this to young people. How they understand stress has been shown to have important effects. Young persons with a positive view on stress have been demonstrated to outperform those with a more negative view.

Mindfulness can be an effective way of gaining better understanding and control of our stress.  It is the process of bringing focused attention to experiences occurring in the present moment. A large volume of research has demonstrated the benefits of mindfulness in developing our emotional resilience. Children can learn to pay focused attention and help regulate difficult emotions even in the most difficult challenges life can throw our way. There are a variety of ways of exploring this with young persons, depending on their developmental stage. This can include deep breathing (one hand on stomach, one on the heart) or the use of mindfulness phone-based applications (available online).

The issue of exam stress has also been dramatised by the children of Carrickfergus Grammar School who collaborated with the Northern Area Mental Health Initiative to produce the following film…

Action Mental Health has teamed up with local experts like Dr Phil Anderson who today – during Children’s Mental Health Week – shares his expertise on Understanding Stress among young people.

Understanding Stress

In any part of life, the key to managing a problem is truly understanding what the nature of the problem is in the first place. This is no different to young people facing the problem of stress. Stress is widely understood as ‘bad’ and ‘something to be avoided’.  There can be often be a misunderstanding that day-to-day stress causes similar harm to the toxic stress I previously discussed.  The stress response is our bodies’ way of helping us perform at our best and keep us safe from harm.  Stretching ourselves beyond comfortable limits, whether playing sport or sitting an exam, will not always feel nice, but our development as a person and our abilities cannot happen any other way.  Avoiding stress does not really work and in the end is not really possible.

Similar to how a vaccine helps our immune systems to prevent us becoming ill from harmful pathogens, stress is known to have an inoculating effect. Research shows that young persons who manage to overcome life’s challenges will develop higher levels of resilience.

We need to properly understand the benefits of day-to-day stress ourselves and be careful about how we communicate this to young people. How they understand stress has been shown to have important effects. Young persons with a positive view on stress have been demonstrated to outperform those with a more negative view.

Mindfulness can be an effective way of gaining better understanding and control of our stress.  It is the process of bringing focused attention to experiences occurring in the present moment. A large volume of research has demonstrated the benefits of mindfulness in developing our emotional resilience. Children can learn to pay focused attention and help regulate difficult emotions even in the most difficult challenges life can throw our way. There are a variety of ways of exploring this with young persons, depending on their developmental stage. This can include deep breathing (one hand on stomach, to one on the heart) or use of mindfulness phone based applications.

Dr Phil Anderson is back again tomorrow to talk about Healthy Habits.

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Our AMH MensSana team support all ages in the area of mental health and emotional well-being through a range of activities tailored to suit group needs. To find out more click here.

 

Children’s Mental Health Week 2019

Action Mental Health has teamed up with local experts to offer insight and advice on ways to develop emotional resilience among children and young people, as well as tips to help recognise the common causes of stress among our younger generation.

From Monday, February 4th to Sunday, 10^th, the fifth annual Children’s Mental Health Week, will shine a spotlight on the mental health of our children and young people.

During Children’s Mental Health Week, from February 4 to 10, AMH is featuring the guidance, knowledge and expertise of professionals like Dr Philip Anderson, consultant psychiatrist with the Belfast Health and Social Care Trust; with AMH partner, New Life Counselling, Dr Tracey Murray, art therapist counsellor with its OKAY team (Only Kids and Youths under 18); Cai Graham, local parenting coach and author of The Teenage Toolbox; and Danske Bank, sponsor of AMH’s Health Me programme, which is creating a short film featuring a child, a teacher and a parent who have experience of the programme.

Today, Dr Anderson shares his insight into children’s mental health, offering:

Four Steps to Help Develop Your Child’s Emotional Resilience

Supporting a child who is experiencing emotional or mental health difficulties, can feel like one of life’s most difficult challenges for parents, carers and families.  Fifty percent of all mental health disorders are established by the age of 14 years and 75% are established by the age of 24 years, thus it is vital that young persons and their families get the right help and support.

Recently, there has been a lot of focus in popular media about the increasing levels of poor mental health amongst our young people.  What has been especially concerning, ha

s been the rising number of young persons with emotional difficulties as a result of stress; this has risen by 48% since 2004.  There have been various ideas put forward about why this would seem to have recently so dramatically increased. The suggestions have included; increasing academic pressures at school, excessive use of social media and cyber-bullying, and increasing social inequality. Whatever the reasons for this increase are, it would seem that our young persons are struggling to manage stress more than ever before.

Stress has been recently described by the World Health Organisation [WHO] as ‘health epidemic of the 21^st century.’  Since the early 2000s, awareness has been growing across the globe of the substantial link between lifespan mental health difficulties and exposure to Adverse Childhood Experiences [ACEs].  ACEs are a group of traumatic childhood experiences – for example, exposure to domestic violence, parental divorce and loss of a parent – that are associated with ‘toxic stresses. Toxic stress is a chronic and severe activation of our bodies stress response, which can negatively impact a child’s developing brain and immune system. Accumulation of 3 or more ACEs has been associated with a number of negative physical and mental health problems. ACEs are becoming recognised as one of the most important public health challenges in the world today.

Despite all of this, it is really important to recognise that the normal day-to-day feeling of stress — like the kind that comes with sitting an exam or watching a large dog race towards you — is a normal and healthy part of life. It is our bodies’ way of helping us perform at our best and keep us safe from harm. But the received wisdom is that stress always causes our children harm and we should aim to help them avoid it at all costs. This poor understanding of stress can leave parents and young people feeling stressed about being stressed. Furthermore, it is often not possible to prevent your family from being exposed to the major challenges, including ACEs, that life can suddenly throw our way.

But what we can do is help our children develop the tools to cope with the stress caused by both the day-to-day and the major challenges known as ACEs. This is known as ‘resilience’. This is not just a young person’s ability to ‘bounce back’, but rather a capacity to adapt with life’s challenges whilst maintaining their emotional health.  Research has demonstrated with the right nurturing, young person’s brains have a remarkable ability to adapt and resilience can be developed at any age.

Childhood is the key period to invest for good lifespan mental, emotional and physical health. It could be thought of similar to investing money in a bank savings account for your child’s future. Regular investment today can pay dividends for a child even fifty years in the future.  With this in mind, these are 4 simple steps I have discussed with patients and their families [as well as my own friends and family] about how to develop resilience in our young persons;

1. Connection
2. Understanding Stress
3. Healthy Habits
4. Parental Self-Care

Connection

Relationships are the most important way through which children can develop resilience to cope with the stress that life can throw our way. Creating quality time for connection with your children is the most important investment you can make in their future.   However, this can be a real challenge, with the ever increasing work demands and the increasing financial burdens placed on families today.

However, children’s ability to regulate their emotions is not something that neither happens in a vacuum nor mysteriously appears in a crisis. It happens through the connection of a nurturing relationship with an ‘attuned’ parent. Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. A parent who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviours based on their child’s emotional state. We can only learn to become attuned by getting to know our children’s particular ways of being and communication. This can only be achieved by giving our children our attention and validating their contribution to solving whatever the problem may be. By giving children a safe ‘connection space’ to talk about their feelings and in turn give reassurance about whatever is causing them distress – we can help ‘co-regulate’ their emotions – which in time they develop the internal tools to regulate themselves. Dr Daniel Siegel, Professor of Child Psychiatry at UCLA, states in his book, ‘No-Drama Discipline’, that ‘for a child…it’s extremely powerful to hear someone say, ‘I get you… I understand. I see why you feel this way.’  This kind of empathy disarms us.

A key part of building connection is through the sense of ‘touch’; the reassurance from a parents hug can help a distressed child to regulate distress.  Human physical contact releases the ‘good-feeling’ hormones such as serotonin that can help us to feel calmer.  Neuroscience has shown that in, particularly early childhood, physical contact from our parents or carers, is essential for healthy brain development and emotional health.  Professor Francis McGlone, a leading researcher on the biology of touch, has said ‘touch is not a sentimental human indulgence, it’s a biological necessity.’ However, western cultural trends have resulted in some parents and carers feeling increasingly hesitant about physical contact and children may be experiencing less physical contact than ever before.  Dr Rangan Chatterjee, GP and author of the recently published ‘Stress Solution’ book, recommends that parents regularly hug their children and encourages the use of play fighting with older children.

Modern life, particularly with the rise of social media and video gaming, can cause so many distractions that can get in the way of parents spending quality time with their children. Rather than simply outright banning these modern distractions, they can perhaps be used as opportunity to meet the young person in their environment and let conversation flow, for example, playing video games together. The potential day-to day opportunities for this are endless and can include; grocery shopping, making dinner and walking the dogs. Whatever way it works to bring this ‘connection space’ in your family, the key message is it feels safe, regular and reliable to the young person.

Connection is a conduit for compassion. Young people often model the ways their parents or carers connect with others. To this end, showing compassion in connection and helping others has been shown by research to strongly promote resilience and emotional health. Dr James R. Doty, Clinical Professor of the Department of Neurosurgery at Stanford, says that being compassionate is our default mode and this is impaired by the chronic stress of modern life.  He says ‘when someone acts with compassionate intention it has a huge, huge positive effect on their physiology’ releasing calming body hormones.  Demonstrating compassion and volunteering to help others, can allow your child to model these behaviours and build resilience throughout their life.

Our AMH MensSana team support all ages in the area of mental health and emotional well-being through a range of activities tailored to suit group needs. To find out more click here.