If you are worried about someone’s eating behaviors or attitudes, it is important to express your concerns in a loving and supportive way. It is also necessary to discuss your worries early on, rather than waiting until they have endured many of the damaging physical and emotional effects of eating disorders.

Approaching the subject of an eating disorder can be a daunting prospect.  Remember that recovery is so much more difficult in an atmosphere of secrecy and denial, and the disorder will not go away by itself. Talking about it can be an essential first step

What to Say – Step by Step

Set a time to talk. Set aside a time for a private, respectful meeting with them to discuss your concerns openly and honestly in a caring, supportive way. Make sure you will be some place away from other distractions.

Talk to them one to one. If other people are around it people feel like you’re ganging up on them.

Communicate your concerns. Share your memories of specific times when you felt concerned about their eating or exercise behaviors. Explain that you think these things may indicate that there could be a problem that needs professional attention.

Ask them to explore these concerns with a GP, counsellor, doctor, nutritionist, or other health professional that is knowledgeable about eating issues. If you feel comfortable doing so, offer to help them to make an appointment or accompany them on their first visit.

Avoid conflicts or a battle of the wills with them. If they refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem, or give any reason for you to be concerned, restate your feelings and the reasons for them and leave yourself open and available as a supportive listener.

Have some information about eating disorders to hand. They may not feel ready to talk or share with you yet but if they can go away with information to read that helps them to recognise they may need help, they are more likely to come forward when they’re ready to ask for support.

Avoid placing shame, blame, or guilt on them regarding their actions or attitudes. Do not use accusatory “you” statements like, “You just need to eat.” Or, “You are acting irresponsibly.” Instead, use “I” statements. For example: “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.” Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting.”

Be aware that they’re likely to be feeling embarrassed, shamed and scared. Acknowledge that this must be difficult for them and reassure them that you aren’t there to judge, but to support.

Avoid giving simple solutions. For example, “If you’d just stop, then everything would be fine!”

Express your continued support. Remind them that you care and want them to be healthy and happy.

Erin McClean, AMH everyBODY Project Worker tells us why she is #TakingActionOnEatingDisorders this Eating Disorder Awareness Week

I am all too familiar of the daily struggle of living with a relentless ringing inside your head.

Eating disorders is not primarily about food or weight it’s a coping mechanism under the guise of a supportive friend.

It becomes the centre of your world.

There is hope and I am proof that the ringing can be silenced.

If you are struggling with food or your body and have a disordered relationship with either please reach out and let us help you realise that you’re enough just as you are.

Thanks to Ellen Kelly for sharing her story x

“For the past few years on Eating Disorder Awareness Week I have sat down to write a post to, not only raise awareness but, allow myself to reflect.

This year is no different, but this is by far the hardest post I’ve ever written, and I’m yet to decide if I’ll post it…so know if you’re reading this, it took a lot of reassurance from my mum and dad, who I no doubt made read over this a million times before triple checking if it was the right thing to do by sharing it with everyone.

The 25^th of Feb 2019 is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It was the day I hit rock bottom and I don’t say that lightly. Everything had been building up, I’d been running from everything I was feeling but it had all caught up with me and knocked me right down, face forward on the ground.  

That’s the thing with Eating Disorders, they don’t act alone, often anxiety, depression and OCD go hand in hand, which a lot of people aren’t aware of.

It was the first day of my second-year teaching practise, my first one back after taking a year out due to being so unwell with anorexia. In the week leading up to it, things got very bad, but I was reluctant to reach out for help. I mustered up all the strength I could to drag myself out of bed and I did. I remember having to do my make up over and over due to tears constantly washing away any progress I’d made. I got through the entire day. I smiled, I taught my very first lesson in over a year, I chatted in the staff room as if nothing was wrong, but it was exhausting. At break and lunch, I cried in my teacher’s store by myself before pulling myself together and putting on that fake smile once again.

I got through the day, still even today I don’t know how. I got home and after my mum asked me how my day was, I completely broke down. I didn’t even have the energy to pretend anymore. She immediately rang the doctor after begging me to go and I was seen right away. The doctor I saw was the most understanding and compassionate woman I’ve ever met and believe me I know how lucky I was as it’s not always the case that all doctors have an understanding of mental health. Mum made me promise before I went in to be completely honest with her and as hard as it was, I told her everything. Having to see the look in my mum’s eyes as tears streamed down her face, when I recounted for the doctor my suicidal thoughts and the plan I had decided on, is something I will NEVER forget. The home crisis team were immediately notified, and I was put on anti-depressants that night. Let’s just say I didn’t spend my 21^st birthday on the 5^th of March 2019 the way I had dreamed I would. Despite it all I never gave up, with two weeks off placement I decided to go back, determined to finish the year and not let my mental health win. It wasn’t easy I cried almost every morning, but with the support of my incredible family and friends, and the most amazing staff in the school I was in (who didn’t know the whole ins and outs of what I was going through but were so kind and understanding regardless) I DID IT. Fast forward just a little after a year to the day, I’m now more than halfway through my 3^rd year of my teaching degree, currently on teaching practise and LOVING IT. After flying to London by myself at the beginning of the year, I’ve got my dream job to work at Walt Disney World this summer (102 days to go – not that I’m counting haha!) I have the most amazing group of friends at University who I could tell absolutely anything to and who I would be lost without, some of which I’m living with this year. I’m the furthest I’ve ever been in my anorexia recovery and I feel more like myself than I have in years.

So if you’re reading this and finding yourself in the position I was in a year ago, this is the proof you need, hang on, keep fighting, know that you are NEVER alone and I promise you even if it doesn’t seem like it now, things CAN and WILL get better x

Ellen Kelly

Q1 – Firstly what was it that led to you coming in contact with ourselves at AMH everyBODY?

I had been receiving support from the Well Mind hub in relation to anxiety but then started to open up about how my relationship with food was starting to make things difficult for me in day to day life. It was the first time I was asked about my bingeing and purging, which was something I’d kept a secret for about 2 years. I sort of thought it was something I could just stop at any point, but then it turned from something I did every so often, to every week, to every day and then it didn’t feel like a choice anymore.

The referral was made really quickly as my sessions were ending soon with the Well Mind hub and then I met with yourselves the week after my last session.

Q2 – How did an Eating Disorder have an impact in your life?

It controlled everything.  I started to completely cut myself off from all my friends and even people closest to me. My moods were all over the show. One minute I would feel really emotional and the next I would feel so irritable and just snap at my parents for no reason. It was like Jekkyl and Hyde.  I was a nightmare to be around and the hardest thing was my head just felt overwhelmed all of the time. I just felt like simple things were impossible to do and I had self-doubts about everything.  On top of that I had no energy, I was either over sleeping or not sleeping at all. Everything seemed to be in the extremes, it seemed like there was no balance in my life at all.

Q3 – How did receiving support through AMH everyBODY impact you?

I have to admit I was a bit hesitant at first and part of me didn’t feel ready to let go of my eating disorder, but from the very first meeting I felt like I was listened to and not judged. I felt like I could finally be open about how I had been feeling and it was honestly such a massive weight off my shoulders. Also knowing that my family were also getting support to find out more about what eating disorders were really improved things while I was living at home, it brought us a lot closer together.

I guess I learnt a lot about myself and that there was a lot in my life I did have a choice around, sometimes my eating disorder made me feel like I had no other choice. The support helped me find me again.

Q4 – Six months on from receiving support how is life different for you now?

I’ve had the confidence to get a job and start to connect socially again. There’s a lot of things in life now that I actually look forward to and can get excited about. Yes I still have days I struggle, but even on the bad days I know now what I can try to do to cope in a healthier way. I have a lot more head space.  I used to put myself under so much pressure to have things perfect and now I know perfection is a lie. I’ve also been able to move out and live on my own again, I feel like I’ve got my freedom back, both physically and in my head. Life feels a lot more balanced and manageable.

Q5- What did you learn on your journey of Recovery?

That under my eating disorder I was actually a pretty great person with a lot to give to the world. That I was deserving of the same kindness I tried to show others, and that putting myself first sometimes wasn’t selfish. I was so used to believing that my needs were less than others that I was just used to doing without, I started to discover that it felt good to start to do things that sparked a bit of joy, or fun or comfort!

I also learnt that food was never the enemy, it was just a way for me to cope with uncomfortable feelings, to not have to feel them. I learnt new ways to cope like grounding tools, deep breathing and doing things off my comfort list that meant I didn’t have to control food to cope with my emotions.

Most importantly I learnt to reach out and communicate when I did feel like I was starting to struggle, because not every day is going to be a good day and some days we need more help than others and that’s ok.

Q6 – What advice would you give to anyone who is concerned they are struggling with an Eating Disorder?

Don’t feel ashamed of what you are going through! So many more people go through this than are willing to talk about it. A lot of times we only see severe cases in the media or on television. A lot of the time, that’s the problem. Some people can’t identify with the serious cases of eating disorders they see on TV and they don’t get help as a result. Eating disorders don’t have a face. They affect so many different kinds of people from all walks of life. Many times, eating disorders are happening right in front of us. No one should feel afraid to reach out for help.

Q7 – Is there anything you found to be helpful for how people could support someone living with an eating disorder? For example with your family and friends?

This was one of the hardest things for me, because although my family meant well a lot of the time the way we communicated at the beginning of my recovery resulted in explosive arguments.  Try not to walk on eggshells around the person, you may feel like you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing but by saying nothing and walking on eggshells the person can feel an atmosphere and it can feel like it’s their fault and another thing for them to feel ashamed about. They might feel they are being treated differently because of their eating disorder.  Direct and open communication is always best…even if the person might fight against it in the beginning (I know I did!) sitting down and just saying “Look we want to talk about this because we’re concerned and we love you, but we’ve noticed that…” it takes the shame away when you talk about things that the eating disorder is trying so hard to keep hidden. One of the most helpful things my parents did after getting some support for themselves through the AMH everyBODY support group and by going on the FightED Maudsley course, was to ask me how it feels to have an eating disorder, and ask me what they can do to make things easier. Sometimes it was as simple as I needed them to sit with me after a meal, not talking but just watching tv as a distraction until I felt I could cope to go about my day again. Supporting someone doesn’t always mean talking or having to fix things for them, sometimes it’s just about being there.

Q8 – Would you feel comfortable accessing support in the future if you felt you needed to?

Yes I know now it’s absolutely essential to get support, it’s not something you can fight alone, or should you have to.

Why not make Action Mental Health part of your special day by making a donation in lieu of wedding favours or gifts? In return, we will provide unique wedding favour cards with pin badges, or an A5 card, acknowledging your support. The cards can be placed at your guests’ tables to show how much you care and to highlight your donation.

All you have to do is decide what you would like to order and how much. Simply tell us whether you would like your favours posted to you, adding £4 to your donation for postage – for example, wedding favour cards with pins for 100 guests posted = £204 donation; or whether you would prefer collecting them from our Central Office in Newtownards. See how handy order form by clicking the ‘Wedding Favours’ link at the bottom.

One couple who opted for AMH wedding favours was Janet and Peter Dunphy, who said: “We came across Action Mental Health wedding favours at the Ballygally Castle Hotel Wedding Fayre, which was also the chosen venue for our big day. Staff at the stand were extremely helpful and, as both Peter and I have mental health issues, we felt this charity hit close to home and was meaningful to us. Everyone at the wedding commented on how it was such a wonderful idea to make a charitable donation, especially to AMH, as many of our friends and family have also experienced life with mental health difficulties.”

All you have to do is decide what you would like to order and how much. Simply tell us whether you would like your favours posted to you, adding £4 to your donation for postage – for example, wedding favour cards with pins for 100 guests posted = £204 donation; or whether you would prefer collecting them from our Central Office in Newtownards. See how handy order form by clicking the ‘Wedding Favours’ link at the bottom.

Payment options

The fastest way to pay is to use the form at the bottom of this page. You’ll receive an automatic confirmation of receipt and a further confirmation email from our team, usually within one working day.

For direct debit, card payments over the phone or cheque payments, please email [email protected] with your order and specify which payment option you prefer.

FAQs

Order and pay for your wedding favours two weeks ahead of your wedding day to allow us to package and post your favours in good time.

Please note that your order will only be posted after we receive confirmation of payment. This sometimes takes five working days

Price list

A5 table cards – suggested donation £2 each

Wedding Favour card with pin badge attached – suggested donation £2 each

Wedding favour card only – suggested donation £1 each

Pin badge – suggested donation £1 each

Want to go further? Try donations instead of gifts

Ask your friends and family to make a donation to Action Mental Health instead of receiving wedding gifts. You can do this by setting up an online fundraising page JustGiving and include this link in your wedding invitations. Alternatively, you can order Action Mental Health donation envelopes to give to your guests by emailing [email protected]

Set up your JustGiving Page for gifts

And remember – look after yourself!

We all know that weddings can be one of the most joyful – but also stressful – days of our lives! You’ll want to make sure you speak to everyone, but remember to take a few minutes to take care of yourself. Plan a time to sit down and eat something, drink water and have a quiet moment of connection with your new spouse. It’s OK to put the needs of yourselves first on your wedding!

wedding favours

One step forward and three steps back.

Falling, stumbling, just scrambling to the surface.

Lost in what seems like a never ending void, an infinite limbo.

Aware of the me I want to be, but how to get there, where is my map.

Just one little step, that’s all it takes.

Mountains are climbed, oceans are travelled, battles are conquered with just one little step.

So why, oh why can’t I seem to move my feet.

Stuck here in my pillow fortress, my walls are caving in.

When will I begin?

This invisible cloak draped over my life, no-body else can see, do they even still see me?

How can you explain what you can’t see or touch, when the feelings become a blurry haze I can’t even understand.

My hope a burning ember, longing for a new.

Just to shake this fear, this guilt, this shame, to move into the light.

I still have dreams and hopes, a need to explore. My heart is still telling me, you are worth so much more.

How do I begin, when I still feel stuck within…

Just one little step.

Eating Disorders Awareness Week – Day 3

“I’m #TakingActionOnEatingDisorders because I want to speak out to help dispel the stigma and make others aware that eating disorders can effect any one of us; at anytime we can develop the fractious relationship with our eating. 

I want to introduce you and warn you of an old accomplice who I call Ana. You may have heard of her before however she typically thrives on secrecy and tends to hide away from social situations.  Ana is someone you need to be really careful around. 

Initially she appears as your friend, everything you desire – funny, confident, pretty, focused and thin. She can teach you so much (or so she leads you to believe); how to cope in adversity, helping you to thrive alongside helping you to make basic to difficult life decisions. The one person who gets you .. who understands you. She stands by you through the tough times, providing a shoulder to cry on and as a result you begin to trust her until she becomes your one and only – the one person you confide in. 

Ana helped me become the best version of me (or so I thought) I mean she helped me appear strong, resilient, confident, happy – how to place a fake smile and even kept me focused so I could finally stick to the diet I had long promised I’d try to stick to and become thinner, prettier – I mean she does sound like an amazing friend! 

Ana taught me how to finally see the pounds drop off so quick, how to starve myself without anyone noticing or making much fuss. She taught me how to enjoy exercising regularly throughout the day. But after a while she started to force me to look in the mirror every morning, pinching and grabbing at skin day by day to make sure it was disappearing, picking out all my flaws and insecurities. She made me change my clothes a dozen times before I found the right baggy clothes to hide my body that she detested to look at. She forced me on the scales four/ five/ six times a day to watch how food and fluid impacted on my weight, waiting and longing her approval- if I lost she was so happy and proud, encouraging me to keep up the ‘good work’ which made me feel so good-accepted, winning and finally doing something well. 

Yet when I stayed the same or gained, she called me all sorts of horrible names, screaming and arguing with me until I gave in to her demands and would haven taken a laxative or supplement or on the odd occasion spent time with her friend Mia just so she would be my friend again and be proud. For a long time, I just thought I found such an amazing friend as she was motivating, helping me to get success- the results in the mirror, on the scales and in day to day achievements I had longed for over the years. 

What I couldn’t understand though was others who were close to me really didn’t like her, they tried everything to tear us apart- they seen her as a problem, a negative influence leading me down a darkened path. I just couldn’t bare it, I felt like they were out to get me, jealous of me, trying to fatten me up and dampen my sparkle- well so Ana said. Eventually I became deceitful, isolating myself. hanging out with Ana behind their backs as she told me they were no good. Together myself and Ana watched the pounds drop off in secret until eventually I ended up very physically unwell, I couldn’t understand it- my heart began to cause trouble and I had to take a lot of time out to rest. Naturally when you’re physically unwell you need food to lift your energy and to help make you better. But she didn’t like this one bit, Ana turned nasty and got very controlling- a bully (and here was me thinking I had the control)! Everyday over the next while I spent being tortured by her all because I was trying to get better, struggling between the conflict of trying to get well and caving into her demands to have an easy life without her shouting at me all the time. I was so upset and became so emotionally exhausted, at an impasse .. how could she want me to live life like this?

It was at this stage I realised Ana maybe isn’t my friend after all. She was a manipulator, a liar, a bully, a parasite that prays on the vulnerable. I eventually spoke out and confided in people about Ana’s bullying and was very fortunate to have been supported quickly into getting amazing help. It was over the next while through a lot of formal and informal chats and coffee dates with highly supportive people I’ve been blessed to have in my life that I realised Ana doesn’t want what’s best for you, she wants to remove you from all that you have accomplished: relationships, career, education until it’s just you and her alone slowly dulling your sparkle until you begin to fade away and loose everything including your own identity and self-worth.

She associates your reality to making you feel so alone, like you aren’t enough- like you’re unworthy, making you believe the happiness you search for is only going to be found in the reflection of the mirror, the control of the number on the scales, the lowest limit in your clothes size- she keeps promising the lower you go the closer you will get to finding that happiness…..  but she is a con, a misery- and misery liked company! 

What I have learnt through all of this and hope that others can take away, is that it’s not the reflection or numbers or external beauty that truly makes you happy in life… it’s contentment and gratitude in all our surroundings, the caring people around us, the small achievements and accomplishments that we have made… even if it’s that we managed to get up out of bed this morning, our positive and quirky qualities/ personalities and caring hearts! 

So please begin to embrace those imperfections you see and may put yourself down for because to everyone else these are the marks of your authenticity and that’s the beauty of you that everyone loves! As long as your healthy your weight doesn’t matter and your reflection is irrelevant. 

So please if Ana or any of her other associates try to or do befriend you… in some cases even initially trying to mask themselves as the innocent voice of reason during ‘a diet’, please don’t keep your ‘friendship’ a secret! please share your encounters with people because what Ana doesn’t want you to know is that she is an EATING DISORDER slowly trying to deplete you until you may unfortunately loose the fighting battle against her chasing those unattainable goals that she promised so strongly.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rates amongst any other mental illness with 20% of those experiencing an eating disorder never getting to make a full recovery. 

Therefore, I hope by sharing this encounter you can spot the signs early and speak out to get the help you deserve. Never feel embarrassed or afraid to share your story! (It’s easier said than done though, I know as I’m feeling these emotions now) But our health is our wealth and we all go through silent battles with mental ill-health with the main catalyst to hindering our prospects of recovery and accessing the support being that of silence and fear of the stigma. So don’t ever be ashamed! We are all in this together! 

As the saying goes, when we replace the “I” in illness with “we” it becomes wellness!

Let’s be kind and support one and other!”