Action Mental Health’s Elfie Advent Calendar has been filled with fun, entertaining and amusing anecdotes and information to help you wade through Christmas 2020 –a year with a difference.

But this unusual year has also brought a great deal of hardship for people and if you’re coping with the loss of a loved one, the Christmas period can be particularly painful.

Bereavement in ‘normal’ times can feel overwhelming, but with the stark reality of the ongoing pandemic, losing someone to Covid-19 might feel particularly poignant, especially since the game-changing impact of the vaccine. Add isolation to that and you may be facing great heartache this Christmas.

But there are things that can be done to help you negotiate this period – when you may feel like you’re the only one not enjoying the season’s usual festive cheer.

Action Mental Health’s friends at Cruse have provided a very useful guide to help people wade through the festive period, if it’s tainted by bereavement, whether recent or even many years ago.

Empty chair

If you’re facing the prospect of facing an empty chair round the dinner table this Christmas, and unable to glean the comfort of other loved ones who share your loss, visit the Covid Wellbeing NI site where you’ll find Cruse’s helpful list of coping mechanisms.

They also remind us that no one need be alone – they are trained counsellors who can help. Cruse National Helpline can be called on 0808 808 1677, alternatively you can message a trained grief counsellor using our CruseChat service 9am – 9pm Monday – Friday.

How to cope with grief at Christmas – by Cruse Bereavement Care (source: Covid Wellbeing NI)

We know that facing Christmas alone, or whilst grieving, can be a daunting prospect. This year it is going to be harder than ever. Whether you were bereaved in 2020 or many years before, ongoing Covid restrictions mean it is going to be difficult for many of us to be with the people we would most want to see. The virus is adding an extra layer of anxiety to the planning for so many people. It is going to be more important than ever to try and look after yourself and work out the best ways to cope.

Here are some practical ways to cope with the loss of a loved one over Christmas.

1. Consider different ways of celebrating

One of the things that can help can be to spend some time trying to work out, well in advance, which arrangements will best suit your needs and the needs of others who share your loss. Some bereaved people find that they do not wish to celebrate Christmas at all, whilst some find that simply maintaining their routine and celebrating as normal is the best tribute they can pay their loved one. It may feel important to make a special effort to remember the person who has died. This can be as simple as ‘speaking’ to the person, silently or out loud, or it may involve visiting their grave, or a place that was special to them. These can be things that we do alone, or with friends or family. You may have photos or particular memories which you treasure; sharing these with others may be something that brings you together.

2. Accept that others may have different ways of mourning

We know that people remember and mourn in different ways. Conflict within a family can sometimes arise when we have expectations of how others should grieve, so try to be sensitive to others’ needs, and to talk openly about what will be best for you.

3. Try to maintain a routine

The Christmas period may mean that your normal routine is disrupted, and this can make it easier to forget to look after yourself. Trying to keep to regular patterns of sleeping and eating are small things that can make a difference. Seeing friends or family, or volunteering for the day, can all help.

4. Go easy on the drink

It’s tempting to drink more on festive occasions, and it can feel like a drink might help numb any difficult feelings. But it’s important to remember that using alcohol to escape the pain of loss provides only very temporary relief. If you find you’re relying heavily on drinking alcohol, consider taking some drink free days. You can also find advice from Drink Aware on how to reduce your alcohol consumption.

5. Remember the happy times

Even many years after someone dies Christmas can be a difficult, intensely emotional time when we need to look after ourselves and those around us. But as time passes, special occasions like Christmas can help us remember happy memories of good times shared in the past. 

6. Skip the Christmas films

It can be tough when you are bombarded by images of people enjoying happy family times. If it’s getting too much, consider taking a break from the Christmas TV and social media and maybe take a walk or get some fresh air in any way you can.

7. Talk to someone

If you’re struggling to deal with the grieving process over Christmas, you can call the Cruse National Helpline on 0808 808 1677, see here for opening hours. Alternatively you can message a trained grief counsellor using our CruseChat service 9am – 9pm Monday – Friday.

For AMH everyBODY’s Project Worker Deborah McCready, drawing is her happy place. It eases the stresses and strains of the day and helps her switch off for a while.

Like any mindful activity – from walking, to reading or whatever your preference – for Deborah, drawing helps to ‘ground and relax’ her. She turns off her phone and finds an escape in drawing, and she wants all her AMH everyBODY clients and everyone else, to take it easy this Christmas and to try something similar.

Research has shown that art can be a useful and effective way of supporting our mental health. Creating art – whether writing, drawing, painting, embroidery and even colouring – can help people break the cycle of stress, express their inner thoughts and even meditate.

#Day 13 Christmas Breathing Techniques

Day 13 #ElfieAdvent – this is perfect for a Sunday afternoon – take a moment to relax – the whole family can join in! Katrina from the AMH Our Generation team shares some “Christmassy” breathing techniques, a taster of their new 5-8 year old school’s programme supporting children’s emotional well-being! #HealthyMe

Physical activity is often an effective, tangible way you can help to support your mental health. Science has proven its benefits, and from stress-busting and tension control to boosting your mood, exercise is good for you, all round.

And at Christmas, when the stresses of the season can often overwhelm us, it’s a great idea to take a break and get out into the fresh air to drink in its invigorating goodness.

Whether you prefer walking, running, cycling, swimming or even armchair aerobics, there are myriad ways to keep active, even if your mobility is restricted.

AMH’s Aileen McClenaghan is among those of us who likes to get active doing something a little bit different – beachcombing!

Beachcombing – which involves scouring the beach side and surrounding area for its natural inhabitants and the flotsam and jetsam that gathers along and around the waterline – is one way Aileen keeps her body active and her mind invigorated.

Aileen writes a regular blog and here in excerpts below, she explains what it is about beachcombing that has her returning to the shoreline again and again.

“It’s great to get out in nature, it’s good for our mood, our immune system and for our fitness. Being by the sea energises me. It shakes off any tiredness, invigorates my senses and quietens my mind. I can wake up early and head straight to the beach, for a pre-work walk, I can take a more leisurely ramble along the coastal path of an evening, or I can be out by the sea anytime in between. I love looking at the natural light, the colours, the cloud formations.

“I walk, I breathe in the fresh air and I look around me. I see things which belong, and things which don’t. My eyes have become accustomed to spotting the unusual amongst the familiar colours and shapes of our shores. I started noticing sea-glass pebbles; small pieces of glass, smoothed and shaped by decades in the sea. Then, I would find ceramic pieces, also smoothed by the tumbling seas. I became fascinated by the beauty of these imposters and there began my beachcombing in earnest.     

“I use sea-glass and sea-pottery creatively; mostly making pictures of people and animals. Sometimes, I can pick up a piece of sea-glass and be sure it’s a head, or a pottery piece and know it will be a dress. Porcelain cup handles become dogs’ tails, clay pipe stems become trousers, bottle necks become lighthouses. The sea has allowed me to be creative and has provided me with tides of jigsaw pieces. Each piece is unique. I love the thrill of finding vintage and rare sea glass & pottery, researching the history, if I can. I know that turquoise glass is rarer than cobalt blue, that black glass is rarely black… and if it’s blackcurrant black, then that’s treasure! Red seaglass sometimes comes from ships’ lights, pink sea glass often comes from cheap dinnerware, mass-produced during the Great Depression era. I’ve found sea-smoothed ceramic fragments of Hartley’s marmalade jars from the Aintree factory, pre- WW1 telegraph pole ceramic insulators, Victorian bottle stoppers, Codd marbles and Cornishware-range pottery, which I remember from my great-grandmother’s tableware. It’s fascinating stuff.  

  “In the strangest year we’ve possibly had, connecting with nature can help shore up our mental health. No pun intended. Remember when two orcas came up into Strangford Lough? Nature thrives when human activity slows down and the appearance of these orcas was precisely at a time when we couldn’t leave the house, except to exercise. Collectively there was a real buzz of excitement. We wanted to protect them, to help them with safe passage back out into deeper waters and maybe to find out a bit more about these two bulls and their back-story.

“Connections with our seas don’t need to be so grand though. There’s probably a collective noun for beachcombers. Maybe a neckache of beachcombers, or a wave of. Undeniably, there’s a huge element of mindfulness in beachcombing and being by the sea. You are outside and connected with nature; feeling the weather, listening, looking and focusing on one task, without distractions if you’re lucky. No two days by the sea are the same and it’s never tedious. See you at the beach.    

You can read the full blog here: https://www.facebook.com/WhatTheSeaSaw